Parenting and Virtue Formation Part I

Parenting isn’t a passive exercise. Too often, I meet with parents that—either explicitly or implicitly—expect their children to raise themselves in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. They treat their children simultaneously like little heathens who need to be evangelized and little princes who have an inherent sense of right and wrong. This is hypocrisy and folly plain and simple. Christian parents are called by God to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). We are called to take an active role in the raising of our children. Proverbs 22:6 teaches that we are to, “6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Training requires intention and effort. But how are we to do this? The longer that I counsel, the more convinced I am that Christian need a framework for parenting. Mercifully, we worship a good God who has given us just such a framework…if we have the care and patience to seek it out.

If we are to raise our children to walk in the freedom of wise and victorious Christian living, we must develop in them sound Christian virtue. Our children must grow in loving what is good, true and beautiful and hating what is evil, false and hideous. We must consistently be shaping their loves because if we aren’t then we may guarantee that someone else will be. Parents must be intentionally committed to the development of the character of their children so that they may grow into young men and women who can grow in their understanding of their calling, competency and compatibility before the Lord as well. Part I of this series will seek to clarify character development within our children.

Character poses the question, “What am I like? What is my child like?” Character is vital because it is the basic foundation of Christian identity. I do not mean to say, of course, that Christ is not the cornerstone, but that when Christians are saved by Jesus, He calls us to walk triumphantly in Godly Christian virtue. As parents, we must continually assess character in two directions; first, am I the parent modeling good character to my children? We are absolutely called to take an active role in discipline and discipleship within our homes, but we must also remember the passive role that we take.

We must remember that we have been created as image bearers of God. Parents are continually demonstrating tot heir children how adults act. Fathers are continually demonstrating how a man acts, how he works, how he rests, how he leads his family, what a husband, father and man are meant to be like. Mothers, too, are continually demonstrating how a woman acts, how she is led by her husband, how she speaks to and about others and what it looks like to be a daughter, wife, mother and woman. Parents are constantly demonstrating character to their children and declaring that this is how their children should act. Don’t be surprised, then, if you have ungodly character and your children follow suit. Bad company, after all, ruins good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33). Foundational to teaching Christian virtue to our children is this; ensuring that we are demonstrating Godly virtue to our children and modeling repentance when we miss the mark.

Second: as a parents’ character begins to align righteously with God’s standards, we must be assessing the character of our children. How does he handle correction and rebuke? How does he respond in school to his classmates when they mess with his items? How does he respond when you, the parents, call him to repent? Does he stubbornly refuse? Folly is bound up in his heart and must be corrected and disciplined (Proverbs 22:25). We must continually be watering the seeds of character in the lives of our children; praising God for good character and correcting the bad unflinchingly. It is, after all, an act of love to discipline our children and an act of hatred to refuse (Proverbs 23:13, 13:24).

Our job doesn’t stop there. At some point, generally around 11-12 years old (5th-6th grade), we need to begin calling our children to look towards their character as well. Questions of dating (when they are adults) for example, don’t actually matter unless our children possess good character. Christian parents shouldn’t wait until their children are fully grown and set in their ways before they begin teaching them to examine their own character (Proverbs 25:28)

Don’t get me wrong here; dating is the last thing on my mind for children and teenagers. However, it is vital to remember that it will often be one of the first things on their minds as they begin to transition into puberty. So how can we call our children farther upwards and further in to assess their character? First, we ourselves must possess the kind of character that we hope to see in our children. Lord willing, this character is rampant in your home, your church, and your community. Second, we must teach our children diligently to recognize good character and reject bad character.

Some might ask, “Why should this be?” I often tell my boys that,  “You perform how you practice.” In athletics, this means that if we lock in and work hard, we engrain patterns and skills that will come out on the field. If a baseball player never hits a pitch in practice—or never practices swinging his bat—there’s no chance that he will perform well in the game. Virtue and character is incredibly similar to this. Think of childhood like a practice run for our children. Babies learn to walk, talk, hold things, communicate, etc. The bigger that children get, the greater capacity they have for learning and engagement. The greater opportunities they have to exercise good virtue, the more likely they are to have good virtue into adulthood. On the opposite end, the worse character they are permitted to exhibit, the worse they will be as adults.

I remember talking to my boys one evening when they were young. They had just gotten into a fight with one another and I had stepped in to restore order and fellowship to the home. In that pride that only little boys can exude, they refused to repent to one another. “What’s the big deal!? I didn’t make him bleed or anything!! Why am I getting in trouble for this?” I had to explain that the big deal is that we practice how we perform. Perhaps, as a boy, he could punch his brother and not draw blood, but the day was soon coming when he would be a grown man. Then if he were to punch someone or disregard self-control, the consequences could be worse. “If you hit your brother as a little boy, you get disciplined. But if you strike a man as an adult, there’s a chance that he falls, dies, breaks a bone, etc. If that happens, it won’t just be a father’s loving discipline. It could mean greater consequences for a lack of self-control; potentially legal action as well. I would spare you that pain, if possible.” I told them. And that’s my goal. Developing Christ-honoring character in myself to parent my children in such a way as to honor God. And to develop character in my children such that they would be spared the troubles and tribulations of learning sober mindedness, self-control, wisdom, compassion, leadership, etc for the first time well into their adult years. I’ve counseled enough men and women set in their ways and have seen the struggle as they try to put to death what is earthly within them and establish patterns of righteousness in their 30’s and 40’s.

Developing Godly character in younger years will help children walk in wisdom and temperance well into adulthood. However, if our children lack character, they shouldn’t even consider pursuing a relationship. We must encourage our children to pursue godly character well before they hope to pursue a spouse. A boy with bad character is a menace, but a man with bad character can ruin his family. A girl with bad character can be irksome, but a woman with bad character is like rottenness in one’s bones.

How do we assess character in our children? We have to consistently be asking questions like what is my child like? Can they stand confidently on the foundation of Christian virtue? Are they sober minded and self-controlled? Are they confident and able to live and move in everyday life? Are they willing and able to bring difficult conversations to their parents? Do they actively seek wisdom from those wiser than them rather than their peers? To whatever extent the answer is no, there is more work to be done. If not, what do I need to do to help them develop this character? If you’re completely unaware of how to do this practically, I’d love to meet with you and talk through it in greater detail! It’s a difficult path, character formation, but a deeply sanctifying and glorifying call on every parent’s live. All glory to Christ!